BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B.C.!

Beer Theories

Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed.  Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams.  If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered.  I think, "It is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."

Babe Ruth 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink.  When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."

Lyndon B. Johnson 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."

Paul Horning

~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case.  Coincidence?  I think not."

H. L. Mencken

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"When we drink, we get drunk.  When we get drunk, we fall asleep.  When we fall asleep, we commit no sin  When we commit no sin, we go to heaven..  So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"

George Bernard Shaw

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."

Benjamin Franklin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer.  Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
Dave Barry

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B.C.!

W. C. Fields

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Remember "I" before "E," except in Budweiser.

Professor Irwin Corey

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group  Salvation in a can!

Leo Durocher

~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One night at Cheers, Cliff Calvin explained the" Buffalo Theory" to his buddy Norm: 

"Well, ya see, Norm, it's like this.  A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo.  And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members! ; In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.  Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells.  But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.  In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine!  That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

Mourning in Black Panties

The Black Panties

Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone..

Her daughter immediately replied, "Mum! I have someone for you to meet.."

Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend away..

Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.

Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"

She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."

He knew he was not getting lucky that night.

The following night was the same- she stood there wearing the black panties,

and he was in his birthday suit-
but now he was wearing a black condom.

She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"

He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences.."

============ ========= ========= =====
LITTLE GIRL: Mommy, I just found out that our
neighbour's son has a penis like a peanut !

MUM: You mean it's small ?

LITTLE GIRL: No it's salty !!!
============ ========= ========= =====

What is the closest thing to a woman's period ?

Your SALARY... .. It comes once a month, lasts 4 or 5 days, and if it doesn't come, you are F*CKED !!!

SEX

What men do after sex ?

2% eat; 3% smoke cigarettes; 4% take a shower; 5% go to sleep and 86%
get up and go back home to their wives.

MUM: Didn't I tell you if a stranger touches your breast say "DON'T". And if he touches your pussy say STOP !

GIRL : But mum, he touched both, so I told him DON'T STOP !!!!"

Childbirth at 65

With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.

'May I see the new baby?' I asked

'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.'

Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'

'No, not yet,' She said.

After another few minutes had elapsed,

I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'

'No, not yet,' replied my friend.

Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'

'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.

'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'

'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?!!'

I'M COMING!

============ =========
Teacher asked: Which part of the body goes to heaven first ?

A Kid replied : The legs...because everynight I see my mum's legs up high and screaming
"OH GOD! I'M COMING".
============ =========