One Early morning a mother went to her sleeping son and woke him up

MOM : 'Wake up, son. It's time to go to school.'

SON : 'But why, Mama? I don't want to go to school.'

MOM : 'Give me two reasons why you don't want to go to school.'

SON : 'One, all the chilldren hate me. Two, all the teachers hate me.'

MOM : 'Oh! that's not a reason. Come on, you have to go to school.'

SON : 'Give me two good reasons WHY I *should* go to school?'

MOM : 'One, you are FIFTY-TWO years old and should understand your responsibilities. Two, you are the PRINCIPAL of the school'.

A Red Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other.

He says to the waiter, 'Me want coffee.'

The waiter says, 'Sure chief, coming right up...'

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee, and the Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket of manure, throws it into the air, blasts it with the shotgun, then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other.. He walks up to the counter and

Says to the waiter, 'Me want coffee.'

The waiter says, 'Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What the heck was all that about, anyway?'

The Indian smiles and proudly says, 'Me training for top management position: Come in, drink coffee, shoot some crap, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day'.

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray

'Take only one. God is watching.'

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, ' Take all you want. God is watching the apples.'

What are the three fastest ways of communication?
Three fastest means of communication in the world.

Tele-phone
Tele-vision
Tell-a-woman.

You still want faster?
Tell her not to tell anyone :-)

Sick Leave

Immigrant Worker: "Sir, me no come to work, me sick."

Boss: " When I am sick, I have sex with my wife - try it."

2 hours later

Immigrant Worker: "Boss! It worked! Me ok now. You got nice house."

Golfers - can you beat this? Laura and her husband Marc went for counseling after 25 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, Laura went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage. Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and asked Laura to stand and unbutton her blouse He embraced her, put his hands on her breasts, and kissed her passionately as her husband Marc watched with a raised eyebrow. Laura speechless and stunned, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to Marc and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?' Marc thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I've got golf.

The donkey

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered in another race and it won again.

The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in any more races.

The next day the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES THE PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline: NUN HAS THE BEST ASS IN TOWN .

The Bishop fainted.

He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the headlines read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the high plains where it could run free.

The next day the headlines read : NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

Alas... The Bishop was buried the next day.

MORAL OF THE STORY???

Being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery and even shorten your life. So, be yourself and enjoy life. Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll live longer.

Art in Heaven

A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question,

'Boys and girls, what do we know about God?'

A hand shot up in the air.

'He is an artist!' said the kindergarten boy.

'Really? How do you know?' the teacher asked.

'You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... '